Posts Tagged ‘Listening’

My mom has always been a loner.  I don’t remember her being around much as I was growing up as she was always either at work or hiding in her room.  She still does those things (other than the work) while living with me.  She says she isolates herself because she doesn’t want to bother the family but it’s hard to know why she does it now when it’s been a life long pattern.

When she does emerge from her room, the kids love to visit with her and the dog absolutely adores her.  She unfortunately feeds him from her plate.  But she also pets him and lets him hide under her chair when the occasional Texas thunderstorm happens by.

Every year our family goes to Garner State Park to camp but this year we decided to visit a private camp ground called 7 bluffs.  We rented a big house so everyone, all 15 of us, could spend time together with Grandma, or Nona as she likes to be called.  Up to the last minute I thought she would change her mind but I kept encouraging her and she went.  I got her books to read and anything else that might keep her busy.  But after the first day she was ready to leave.  I think she missed her television which she leaves on 24/7 at home.  There was only one in the house and the kids had hijacked it for cartoons and tween shows.

She told one of my siblings she would never  come with us again.  She hasn’t told me that.  I guess she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I have to wonder though why she complains about not seeing her grandchildren more often and when she gets the opportunity to see all of them at once for 5 days she wants to high tail it out of there.  She did tell me the highlight of the trip was seeing the baby deer outside her window.  Sigh, I guess spending time with family will never be her thing.

Change is hard for anyone but especially older adults who have lived a lifetime doing things a certain way.  I shouldn’t have expected her to change her routines and become more social because I thought she would have a good time.  She knows what she likes and sticks to it.  I felt as though if I didn’t ask her to go her feelings would be hurt and she thought if she said no my feelings would be hurt.  I guess a little better communication would have been in order here but although she has  been living with me for over 6 months now I still can’t shake that mother/daughter role with every aspect of our relationship.

I think the lesson for caregivers is to find ways to socialize their parent(s) that follow their life long patterns.  Or at the very least introduce new activities in small doses.  Maybe 5 days was not such a good idea and maybe I should have brought her her own television.  I can’t help trying and I don’t think it’s right for caregivers to not try something.  Our parents did it for us when we where young and now it’s our time to change roles.

In January of 2010 the American College of Physicians (ACP) published a position paper which recognized the pivotal role family caregivers play in the health and welfare of millions of those with chronic illness such as Alzheimer’s.

The National Family Caregivers Association posted the main points and recommendations in their Spring 2010 newsletter  of TAKE CARE!  They are:

“The physician should strive to ensure that the patient, family caregiver and other family members
have a common, accurate understanding of the patient’s condition and prognosis”

“Physicians should routinely validate the family caregiver’s role and be sensitive to specific
commitments the caregiver may have made regarding how her or she will manage the patient’s care.”

“Physicians should develop care plans that are patient-specific and caregiver-specific and provide
information, training and referrals to support those plans.”

“The physician should be alert for signs of distress in the family caregiver and suggest
appropriate referrals.”

“Physicians should recognize that geographically distant caregivers may face unique challenges.”

“The physician should define a palliative care plan that focuses on maximizing patient
and caregiver quality of life.”

Wow is this exciting or what! Family caregivers can be a huge asset for doctors and hospitals who see their patients returning to their offices or hospitals for issues that could have been prevented with a little thought and effort.  We just need to give these family members a little bit of help and understanding to get huge results.

Because I am in the  elder care business I  know what and how to get services for my mother but what do all those millions of caregivers who are totally unprepared do?  I will say that I take charge in my own life and health and have never had a problem talking to or getting what I need from a doctor and if I don’t I keep looking for one that will help.  Most stressed out caregivers won’t.  They don’t have the strength or will to do what it takes to get answers and many of these caregivers are usually elderly women caring for even older husbands.  They need their children or someone they trust to step in a say “hey what does that mean and how will this affect everyone concerned?”

What has been your experience with doctors?  Have you as a family member been treated badly or have you had great experiences with your doctor and his office?

If you are interested in getting a list of resources that where published online at the ACP website Click Here