I just finished reading Dr. Barry Jacobs’ book “The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers; looking after yourself and your family while helping an aging parent” and found it to be very insightful. It was easy to read which means I could put it down and come back to it without getting lost or having to backtrack. I loved the way the book followed a caregiver and the family through the whole caregiving process and pointed out issues that could occur, or did occur in this case, and then gave suggestions for everyone on both sides of the issue. The suggestions where very pragmatic and I believe helpful to any caregiving situation.

Here’s are a few excerpt I especially liked:
page 62 “Or, as I’ve heard many primary caregivers put it over the years, “No one else knows how to take care of our sick family member as well as I do since I’m the one with her all the time.” But as a long-term plan, concentrating the caregiving in few hands courts disaster. If you do the vast majority of the work, you’ll likely suffer the brunt of the cumulative physical and emotional toll that caregiving usually causes over months and years. If you give up the pursuits of your own life, you probably will grow gradually more resentful of the family members who still have the luxury of pursuing theirs. The danger is, without consistent logistical support, you’ll burn out and then not be able to take care of your ill relative well at all”

page 63 “Information, empathy, and hands-on help are the kinds of support that could bolster you to handle any caregiving situation. But there’s one proviso: You have to be willing to use the available supports. That brings us to the third common problem of many family members caring for loved ones. They don’t take full advantage of the help they’re offered. They say things like “God only give you as much to carry a you can bear” and then tell other family members they don’t need assistance.

Page 70 has several ideas for family members to use to encourage the primary caregiver to accept help. They include gently persuasion, recruiting the doctor, giving permission, asking instead of telling, and enlisting the help of the person receiving care.

The book is a great read for families who are working through the caregiving process. It’s not easy and it’s always helpful to have your thoughts validated. Whether you get validation through a book or in a support group it’s always helpful.  I get frustrated with my mother often but reading through the book let me know that other folks feel the same way and it’s OK.  My mother and I have actually gotten along better since reading the book.

I highly recommend Dr. Jacobs book.  The caregiving process can be a wonderful experience but not at the expense of your own health.  I personally try really hard to keep up with my kids and care for my mother.  She deserves to be well cared for but I need to keep up my relationships with my kids and other family members so that when I get old and need help they will be there for me.  Plus I don’t want the stress to kill me before my grand kids arrive.